Uplifting

Since my letter/phone call from Ben, my spirit has been lifted. Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore disappointing days of no communication, I get 2 in one day! I know I should be getting a letter either tomorrow or the next day, so that's what's keeping me going. I miss him so much!

I had quite a day today at the daycare and got projectile puked on by a baby. I then had to drive home and change because it was EVERYWHERE. No biggie...just one of the hazards of the job!

I don't really have much to say except...28 more days!

TODAY! TODAY! TOOOOOOODAAAAAAAAAY!

I love today.

Today is the best.

Today is fabulous.

Today, I heard from Ben!!!!!

I got a letter in the mail with his handwriting on the envelope, and it was filled with graduation information and stuff, nothing personal. It was ENOUGH though. It was enough that I had something that he had sent to me, actually written on with his scribbly childish handwriting. I got home from dinner and my phone rang. IT WAS HIM! I recognized the 21o area code right away! This time, I didn't bawl my eyes out. I did start to choke up a bit, especially when I told him that I missed my rock and he told me that he missed me incredibly and that he cried a bit. I just love him so very very much. I told him that I was flying out for his graduation and he told me he'd help me pay for it! That's a relief. I think Jack might help too. With hotel/airfare/car rental, it's going to be quite pricey. Amazing.
That's how I feel.
AMAZING.
He said he's tired and sore and that he gets yelled at a lot...but that's normal. Honestly, the conversation is kind of a blur of happiness. I was just so happy to hear from him! I'm still soooo happy.

This has been such a great day. I can't wait to spread the smiles and happiness around.

I'm supposed to get another letter tomorrow or the next day. He's got another one too, just hasn't sent it yet. I mailed one off today, so he should get it Thursday or so. I'm mailing another one off tomorrow.
The post office is going to love me.

I think I'm going to go buy an Air Force hoodie.

still waiting...

Waiting
Waiting
Waiting.

I hate basic training! I hate everything about it right now, except Ben! Grrrrrrr. It's so hard not hearing from him! I have this false hope that he'll call today, but I just know that if I get my hopes up too high, I'll just be disappointed...just like I have been all week with no letters.

I want it to be the end of September RIGHT NOW.

I went to the movies with Chris, Jake, and Mike (booo!) last night. We went to Maccronni Grill and then to the Glenwood theater. Saw "Once" which is about a singer/songwriter and him meeting this girl. Very good indie film. I really didn't like the ending though. I would have done it differently. Afterwards, we went and hung out with Jake at his house. Visited with the guys, Jake's dad, brother, and sister-in-law. It was fun, but I was ready to go home...very tired!
I talked to Landon last night too. He has cut all ties with Nikole and is happier than he's ever been. Apparently, she was being really negative and mean to him and after awhile, he just couldn't take it anymore. It's weird though, because I've been talking to her and she misses him like crazy and wants to be with him. Oh well. I don't know what to say besides I'm happy that Landon is happy. He needs it. The new girl he's dating is helping him get his life in order and he's planning on moving back to MO to work with his dad and save up for a car. Seems like this is the first step of many on the path to get his life in order. He's attributing it to God, of course. He said that God's been working overtime and that seeing Ben get his life together and doing something for the future helped him see that he needed to do the same thing. It was a nice thing to hear, and I'm sincerely happy for him.

I'm off to watch XFILES.

1 week, 1 day

It's been one week and one day since I've heard from Ben. I figured for sure that today would be the day I would get a letter. No such luck. I'm actually going crazy. PLEASE. PLEASE let him call this weekend.
I hate not knowing what's going on with him...it makes me think about the "what-ifs". I talked to his parents, and they haven't heard from him either. I know he's busy, but I'm just beside myself. I can't stand not hearing or reading the words, "I love you". I need to hear that! I just want him to know that I'm thinking about him and that I miss him and love him.

Waiting and waiting

Still no letter.
Still no call.

It's been a week since I've heard anything from him.
I don't like this.
I want to know he's ok and thinking about me.

I'm in a weird funk and I just can't seem to get out of it. I need something to cheer me up...

like, a letter.

I'm seriously going crazy. I need some kind of word from him.
Maybe tomorrow...maybe tomorrow.

PLEASE, tomorrow. I can't take this waiting much longer.

Today is/was

Today is me and Ben's 5 year 2 month anniversary. I wish I could tell him I love him.

Today was my first day of classes...or should I say CLASS. Yeah, I only have one class on Wednesdays. Pretty nice. Hopefully, I will be able to work at the daycare in the morning. I have 4 novels to read in that class, plus 2 textbooks. I only have to write papers on 2 of the books though, so I might just cliff note the other 2.

Tomorrow is the beginning of my 8am classes. I'm kind of confused about everything though, and I've tried contacting the teacher, my advisor, and the curriculum instructor for EDCI classes, and no one can seem to help me. I'm just going to go to class and if it's messed up, they're going to have to fix it, because I've been contacting people since I first got an email from my teacher on Monday.
I think I'm going to go and write Ben a letter.


*I'm really lonely*

Everything will be alright.

Yes, everything will be alright. Every day, I check the mail, hoping to see a letter from Ben. I know it's coming soon...and it's making me crazy waiting for it! I've got another set to send out to him, along with pictures of my room. Here's how my room is set up this year:

My big, lonely, empty bed.

Picture wall, door to bathroom

I turned my desk on it's side...now it's a tv/microwave stand

2 closets, dresser in between

Computer desk, picture wall

Fridge. Cool pictures and magnets

Yearly photo collages.
(too bad the one on the far left fell off the wall and broke the outer part. Now it's in a different spot with no glass/hard plastic protecting the pictures)

School starts tomorrow. I only have one class...and it's in the afternoon! Hopefully, they'll be able to use me in the daycare in the mornings. (I really hope so!) I got bumped up in pay, so now I'm making what I should have been making to begin with. Some of the people working last year definitely didn't deserve to even make mininum wage! It's nice to be back though, I sure do love the kids there!

I'm off to bed.

Back to the burg

Yes, I'm back in Warrensburg. I've got my room set up...all I've got to do is get the rest of my snapshots up on my wall. It was pretty easy setting everything up. For as many boxes as I had, My room is pretty wide open. I didn't bring any furniture or anything, so I guess that helps. I've got pictures EVERYWHERE. 4 movie poster frame collages plus my soon to be finished wall of pictures will make me very happy.
I'm counting down the days until I get my first letter from Ben. When he called, he said he'd write me as soon as he possible could. I know he will. I could tell that he missed me as much as I miss him. I'm continuing to write him every day, and I'll just send along a few days in each letter. I think that might be easier than sending one letter every single day. I sure can't wait until I see him!

Tomorrow I go into work at 11:30. Not sure what time I get off, but it doesn't really matter. I don't really have anything going on tomorrow besides going to see the hypnotist at 10 or something like that. Oh, and a floor meeting at 7:30. I'm going to try to go to as many CA programs as I can this semester because I know how frustrating it is to not have any participation. It's quite lame. I'm so excited about going into the daycare and seeing all the kids! I can't wait to see how much they've grown! I'm debating riding my bike to work. I guess it depends on how hot it is. I need the exercise, so perhaps I will.

My ear is healing. I can tell, because the spray is now loosening up scaps and there's some yellow stuff coming off when I wipe it clean. Same thing happened with all my other piercings, minus the nose. I'm glad...I'm sick of it being so damn sore.

I've got my first class on Wednesday. Only one class I've realized! Pretty exciting, right? I thought I had 8am classes everyday, but I see now that Wednesday classes don't start until the afternoon. Besides the weekend, I think that will be my favorite day of the week. The rest of my classes start at 8am! Blech.

Ashley, Paul, Chip, Chelsea, Chuck, Tim, Matt, and Sara came to visit me today. It was quite nice to have some company. I was fully expecting to spend the day alone. Nice little surprise.

I wrote Ben and told him that I would be down for getting married in a courthouse in TX when I come visit him for his graduation. We had casually mentioned it this summer, and I gave it more thought, and there's really no reason not to. We can always have a ceremony when he gets back. I think it's a good idea! I just hope that it won't make our ceremony less special, but I doubt it. I want to be married to that man. I always knew it, but being away from him has made me realize just how much I want to.

I'm off to bed. Pretty tired, it's been a long day.

A wonderful surprise

So there I was, sitting in my room Friday afternoon painting a birdhouse when my phone rings. I don't recognize the number, but I answer it anyway.

IT'S BEN!

I immediately start crying, it just came like a wave. I was so relieved to hear from him, and I miss hearing his voice so much! He gave me his address, and told me that he was doing just fine. He said that this is something that he can do, and he's doing it all for me. He told me that some guy had tried to commit suicide earlier today. Ben was in a briefing, and the guy had gone into his bathroom and cut his wrists. Very scary! He couldn't talk long, I'm sure there was a line behind him, but he told me that he'd write me as soon as his superiors gave him permission. He told me to write and to send pictures of myself. It wasn't 2 hours later that I had the pictures developed and was getting his letters sent.

I miss him so much, it's almost unbearable. This whole week, I have felt like a hermit. I haven't wanted to hang out...I've just been wanting to be alone. Even at work, I'm irritable and grouchy, wanting to get back to my cozy little room where I can be alone with my thoughts. The only way I can describe how I'm feeling is that I feel like half of me is missing.

Please, tell me this gets easier.

Day One

I dropped Ben off last night.

It's only been a day, and I already miss him.

I don't like going to sleep without telling him, "Goodnight, I love you."

Saying "So long" to my darling.

Goodbye until September, Ben.

What.
A.
DAY.

Last night, got a bad stomach ache at around midnight. I couldn't even lay on my bed without feeling like I had to throw up. After several trips to the bathroom, I finally threw up three times. I gagged myself, because I knew I would feel better afterwards. I did. I went back up to my room and laid down on my bed and finally managed to fall asleep. I kept thinking, "Please, just let this be painful tonight, I want to be ok for tomorrow!" For the most part, I was, I've just had a giant gas bubble in my stomach all day and at times, it's hard to walk. I wasn't going to be sick on this day though, no way!

I picked Ben up from his house and we drove to Grandview. We went to his recruitment office and hung around there until the shuttle showed up to pick him up and take him to the hotel. Finally, it arrived and I followed it to the Marriot up near Broadway and 12th st. We left from there and ate some Denny's (his choice) for lunch. After that, we drove to Westport and walked around for a bit. We decided to stop in Freaks to see how much it would cost to get my rook pierced. Only $35, so I ended up doing it. I'm very pleased with it, and have been wanting that piercing for a LONG time. Chelsea met us up there and from there we went to a speciality smoke shop and then to Tea Drops for some Bubble Tea (YUM!). Justin met us there, and we walked up to a comic book store. I swear, they have some of the weirdest stuff in there, but some pretty cool stuff too. Ben found some laser discs that were priced VERY cheap and got them. I'm keeping watch over them until he gets back. Afterwards, we went to another comic book store and Chip met us there. Next was Streetside Records (OVER PRICED!) and then on to Westport Flea Market (again, Ben's choice of course). Ate some dinner, Ben drank a bit of beer...and then the dreaded time came....

It was time to take Ben back to the hotel.

Justin came along to help me out of the city. When I got out of the car to hug and kiss Ben goodbye, I couldn't help but cry...and he teared up and got choked up too. It made me cry even more. I can't even begin to explain how much I'm going to miss that boy while he's away. I am going to be so lonely. Justin and Chelsea have both been great saying that I'm strong and that they're here for me.

In September, I'm going out to TX to see him graduate. I'm thinking about flying out because I don't think I'm going to want to drive 15 hours and pay a HELL of a lot for gas. It'd be about the same price if not cheaper to fly out there and a lot less hassle. It just depends on if I can afford it. I'd better make a decision about it soon so I can go ahead and purchase a ticket. Ah well.

I won't hear from Ben until Sunday or Monday. I'm sure I'll have a lot to tell him and he'll have a lot to tell me. I can't wait to hear that lovely phone ring with him on the other end. That phone is going to be GLUED to me on those days!

Today for you, tomorrow for me.

I'm not really sure what it is about Hannah, but I absolutely cannot stand to be around her. She opens on Sundays and I close...and she always puts me in a weird funk of annoyance that won't go away for quite awhile. She invades my space and just makes the most weird, off comments. Most of the time, I really don't know how to respond, so I end up just saying , "Uh huh..." Oh well, I only have 3 more shifts at this store. Part of me hates working there, but it's an easy job that I can work during school breaks.

I go back to school on the 19th. Part of me is excited, but part of me is gearing up to be VERY lonely. Most of my friends in the burg think that drinking should be done as much as possible. There's a different party every other night with the same (and sometimes lame) people. I'm just going to read a lot, hang out with Ashley, work on my portfolio, and try to keep busy during my last semester at UCM.

Ben leaves tomorrow. It really still hasn't hit me. I don't know what I'm going to do. Luckily, Chip, Chelsea, and Justin are going to be around tomorrow night. I don't know if I'll want to be alone for awhile. How do you spend weeks apart with little to know phone calls? I honestly don't know what my reaction will be. I am looking forward to growing as an individual though. I'm looking forward to opportunities to put ME first, not thinking of what Ben wants to do first. I usually just go along with what he wants to do because I want him to be happy. I let him make a lot of decisions for us, so maybe this alone time will help me be more decisive.

Who knows. I'm sure tomorrow's entry will be a sob story about how much I'm missing Ben.

BBQ

Well, tonight was Ben's going away party at his house. Big bbq, family, friends. It was quite a bit of fun. He tried to make rounds and visit with everyone he could...I'm sure he's exhausted. I gave him the scrapbook I made for him. He wasn't as thrilled about it as I had hoped, but he said he liked it a lot. I just wish he would have been more excited at seeing all the hard work, effort, and old pictures I had put in there. Oh well, he doesn't get excited about much. Ben's mom had a notebook for everyone to write words of wisdom or funny stuff in for him. Ben's maternal grandfather refused to write in it. He said something like, "I've given Ben enough advice throughout the years. If he doesn't remember it, that's his problem." SWEET.

I work tomorrow night. (BOOOOO) Ben's going up to see Chip's house that he's buying. I'm pretty excited for Chip. It's such a big deal!

On Monday, I pick Ben up at 10:30am and drive him to the recruitment office. From there, he'll ride to the Marriot hotel. So from the point I drop him off, I'll have nothing to do until he gets to the hotel. Justin said I could come over to his house and just ride with him because I have no idea how to get to the hotel, and he does. It'll be nice to have some company. I'll feel weird crying around him though. I KNOW I'm going to cry once I leave the hotel.





These next few months are going to be hard and weird.

Ben's last hurrah

Well, last night was Ben's last karaoke night until he gets back from basic training. We'll probably have another huge bash when he gets back from tech school. We usually have some kind of huge thing at the 400 for some special occasion in Ben's life.

It was a lot of fun. We spent some time at Chuck's before hand. Watched Dead Alive, played Candy Land (drinking game version), played Jenga-holic, drank some beer, smoked some cloves, and then went to the 400.

It was so much fun! There were a TON of people there. Some were cool, some I'd rather they'd just stay at home. hahaha. Lots of dancing, lots of singing, lots of free shots. Ben got shots from everyone, and somehow, I did too.
Justin, Jenna, and Abby were there too. They kind of just hung out together all night. I would drop by to visit for a bit, but I didn't want to sit around all night. I wonder what Jenna and Abby talked about...there's kind of some tension there because Abby doesn't have boundaries when it comes to someone else's boyfriend/fiance. Who knows though...I hope that they had fun.
As much as I'm glad we had this huge thing for Ben, I wish something special would be done for me when big occasions arise. Nothing was done for my birthday...for the past 2 years. It's kind of frustrating that we have to have big celebrations all the time for Ben, but never for me. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I can't help it.

There WAS a bit of stupid high school-like drama last night. Chip and Chelsea were there, obviously a couple...and a crazy girl that liked Chip this past fall/spring semester did all that she could to be all over him all night. It was making Chelsea feel uncomfortable. At one point I pulled Chip away to take pictures and to come and dance with us. She didn't get the hint. Found out today that she was doing it on purpose. She and her friend left myspace comments back and forth about how funny it was that Chelsea was getting mad and that Megan (girl who acts like she's still a freshman in high school) could do whatever she wants.
hahahaha, what an immature, stupid, childish thing to do.

Anyway, Ben and I got some errands done today at school. Turns out, he can't get his transcript because of his outstanding balance...even though he's been making payments on it. The bitchy financial aid person kept saying, "'Fraid not." when Ben asked her if there was anything he could do to get his transcript. She was REALLY bitchy.
I think that when UCM is looking for people to work in the financial aid office, the requirements are:
1. you have to be plump or obese
2. you have to dress lik you're from 1994
3. you have to be a complete bitch or asshole.
Now, there are a couple exceptions.
There was one man working there. I went to ask him a question (where accounts receivable was). He continued to text on his phone and ignore me. I wanted to slap his cheap ass phone out of his hand and say, "MY FUCKING MONEY IS GOING INTO THIS SCHOOL. YOU ARE PAID BY THIS SCHOOL. DO YOUR FUCKING JOB." Someone BEHIND him heard me and answered me...which means he was definitely ignoring me. He didn't even look up. Fucking prick.

Tomorrow is Ben's family/friends going away bbq. I've made him a HUGE scrapbook full of pictures from the past 5 years and 2 strawberry cheesecakes.

Why in the world?!

For some reason, I've always wanted to be drawn or photographed nude. Not for some pervy weirdo or anything, but I just think that nude art can be very beautiful and tasteful.
I wouldn't flaunt it around or display it, but I'd keep it for myself and my future husband to enjoy. I actually think it'd be really cool to be drawn or photographed WITH my future husband (and by future husband...I mean Ben, of course). I think it would be really neat and something fun and beautiful to cherish.

I'm really not sure why I feel this way, because nude artwork actually used to make me blush as a child. I think it's because I associated it with JUST sex, not appreciating the human body as a complete work of art. Nudity isn't just about being sexual, it's about enjoying the wonderful work of art that God bestowed on us.

I don't know why I'm even rambling on and on about it.


In other news, Ben and I are going on a date tomorrow night. I'm wearing this beautiful green silk dress with polka dots, I've done my nails, and I'm going to make sure I look extra lovely for him. This is the last REAL date that we'll go on until either I go out to visit him for a weekend or he comes home. I want him to picture me, in that green dress, looking oh so beautiful when he's missing home and thinking of me.
I'm going to miss him so much.

Crazy m-effer.

Somehow...all summer...I've been the one at work dealing with most of the crazies.
Earlier in the summer, I had closed the store and was in the back counting the deposit and what not when I heard a loud banging on the windows. I started to walk out cautiously, and I heard someone scream, "FUCK YOU!"Ummm, freaked me the hell out. I grabbed the phone and headed towards the door. It was a stupid 17 or 18 year old who was mad because the store was closed. I told him to leave or I'd call the cops. I took a look at the car, just in case it came back.
The next day, I told my manager about the incident and he told me I could kick him out if he came back in.
Tonight was the night he came in. I walked up to him and confronted him about the situation. He denied it, but I knew it was him. I recognized him, his voice, and the car. I told him he needed to leave, and if he had a problem with it, he could come in tomorrow and talk to the store manager. He said, again, that it wasn't him. I said, "Listen, I remember the incident. I know it was you." He replied, "There's going to be another incident if you don't stop accusing me." Ummmm, excuse me? I said, "Oh really, because if there's going to be another incident, I can go ahead and get the police over here." He then left. I got his license plate number. He saw me getting it and moved his car.
I called the police, just to be on the safe side...I wanted them to know what was going on just in case this asshole tried something. The dispatcher was incredibly nice and an officer stopped by.
I worried about it for an hour and a half, then worried while I was closing. It was just NO FUN.

I want to meet this kid in a dark ally and punch him in his stupid face.

In other news, I'm a huge nerd, and the Free Hugs video on YouTube always makes me tear up.

Hank 3

Tonight me, Ben, and Bekah went to the Beaumont Club and saw Hank Williams the 3rd and his band. It was actually a pretty good show. He's got a great voice, and he's fun to watch on stage. My only beef with live shows are the assholes in the crowd. 2 dudes in front of me kept lighting up weed and smoking it, pounding fists when Hank said something about doing crazy pills. 2 assholes behind us had a HUGE space to dance around in...and yet, they kept bumping into us. They were drunk, sweaty, and disgusting. They took their shirts off and kept groping one another. After I got hit enough, I turned around and shoved the fatter one (he outweighed me by at least 100 pounds). I shoved him HARD. He turned around like he was going to hit me, and I stood my ground, daring him to. He walked away. Yeah, that's right.
Other than the stupid people in the crowd, it was a fun show, and it was neat seeing something non-metal for once. I also liked seeing Ben's excitement when Hank played the songs he wanted to hear!

After the show, we drove back to Movie Gallery so Ben and Bekah could get their car and go home. At the stop sign where I turn left and he turns right, I looked over and waved and Ben blew me the biggest kiss. His hand flew out the window! Later, he called me just to say goodnight.

All in all, it was one fantastic night.

July turns into August

So as I was turning my calendar from July to August, I realized how short of a time I have left with Ben. He leaves in 10 days.
I'm going to be "Ben-less" in 10 days. This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

I went out and bought some nice pens and a notebook that I'll use to write him letters while he's in basic training. It's going to be so hard not to talk to him on the phone. It's going to be hard not to see him. It's going to be hard knowing that I can't call him for help, to vent, when something good happens, or just to tell him I love him.

This is going to be good for the both of us. We're building towards our future and we'll appreciate one another more. Maybe this will help me stand on my own two feet more. I know I'm dependent on people too often. This will make me stand up and do things for me, not just for him all the time.

I only have 2 weeks left at Movie Gallery before school starts. I'm going back to work at the daycare. It's going to be great. I'm going to ask for more pay because I do a lot more than some of the girls that worked there last year! I'm so thankful that my boss held a position for me, and I'm thankful that my schedule permits me to work so much, that way, I don't have to get a job that requires me to work nights and weekends. I want my nights free to relax/hang out with friends/do homework. I want my weekends free to go home. AND THINK ABOUT IT! I'm no longer a CA! I don't have to request off to go home. I can go home every weekend if I want to...I don't have to do any night rounds (walking between 2 buildings at midnight and 2am is ridiculous and dangerous)....I don't have to go to any staff meetings. My time is MY time. I'm pretty happy about that. I'm thankful that I did it, because it saved me about $6,000 for the entire year, but damn, I wouldn't do that again if someone was BEGGING me to!

Ben and I went to Warrensburg on Tuesday with the normal group (minus Chelsea, plus Landon and Nikole). There was a guitar hero tournament and Eli won. It was a good night at the bar, followed by a semi-ok time at Chuck's new place (which is AMAZING). There were too many annoying asshole drunk people there. Guy was incredibly drunk and was hitting on anything that didn't have something dangling between the legs. "Yellow-shirt-girl" was shit faced and trying WAY too hard to get the attention of drunk guys. She then proceeded to wander off with Jeff and then came back and practically had to be carried in and put on the couch. We've all had moments where we had too much to drink, but damn, girls at parties get on my nerves SO bad. Maybe it's because I remember the stories back from the "emo-dance-parties" and wanting to vomit listening to how stupid the girls would act (and the guys too). But honestly, those girls were only there because a band was and they wanted to get a piece from some dude in a band. That's just how it is. Nothing is going to change my opinion because I know so much about what went on there.

On Wednesday, we went to the police station to get Ben's stuff back. I calmed myself down before I went in...I was so ready to have to fight for what was his. The officer and detective were friendly though, and we managed to get back a fraction of what was taken. It's ridiculous how long this has taken and the incompetent people that we've dealt with, but it's over. Of course, I'm still going to write a letter to the University Police expressing my distaste with the whole procedure.
How hard is it to convict someone of burglary when stolen items/pot is found in his room? What the fuck?! Seriously. They could have worked harder, but it's fucking Warrensburg. Of course they're going to drag it out. What the hell else are they going to do?
I'm honestly just sick of the black people who commit crimes against white people in Warrensburg and aren't punished. I had a black suitemate who tried to get me kicked out of the dorm my entire first year at CMSU. She called me disgusting and dirty and said that I left hairs all over the bathroom. Ummm, excuse me...I'm a red head, and the only hair in the bathroom (all over the toilet seat, sink, bathtub, floor, AND heater) was crinkley black hair, and I'm know it wasn't from someone's head. I do not have any black hair on my body...she does. Let's put two and two together. Luckily, my CA and my RHD both knew me and believed me. 3 of my friends have been jumped by groups of black guys. 1 had a concussion, 1 has scars on his face, and 1 was knifed. Nothing was done. Ben gets robbed and his shit is found in this fucker's room, and it takes 8 fucking months to get it back. Are you kidding me? What the hell is wrong with our justice system here?

Tomorrow is payday. Yessssssss.