Sunday, November 4, 2007

I don't know what to say.

I went home early on Thursday, sick, and slept the night away fighting a fever and the chills. Friday I woke up, still feeling awful. I needed to go to class though, so I was determined. Apparently it just wasn't to be. I got a call at 7:32am from my cousin telling me that hospice had called and I needed to get home as soon as possible to see Grandad. I booked it to class to tell my professor and ran to my car to get it close to the dorm to load up my car. I ran inside and started throwing stuff in my laundry basket and I got a phone call.
He was gone.

My grandaddy. Gone.

I didn't know what to do. I just sat there in stony silence not really knowing what to say. I gathered up my stuff and took it to my car. I drove the hour home, dealing with early morning traffic with patience. As soon as I got to the nursing home I let it all out. I cried and cried to my mom and my brother. I went to see him, but I could hardly look at him. He didn't look like my grandaddy. Not the man who had made me a huge toybox. Not the man who had sat and watched Walker Texas Ranger or Kung Fu Masters with me. Not the man who had given me the important job of throwing grass seeds on the lawn. No, that wasn't my grandad.

I was still sick, and later on that night my fever came again and I had chills. My brother got me a washcloth for my head and I put on a sweatshirt and some sweats. Got a couple of blankets and tried to get warm.

Woke up Saturday feeling much better. Went to Wal-mart with Mom and started to feel weak there. Damn.
Got home, put on some pjs, and watched Ratatouille with Mom. Relaxed and took some more medicine. Mom got me some Zicam (works wonders) for my sore throat. Definitely works. Still felt weak that night.

Woke up this morning at around 6am and couldn't swallow without shaking it hurt so bad. Finally decided to just leave my mouth open and drool on the pillow so I could get some more sleep. When I woke up at 10am, Mom gave me some more medicine and set me up on her bed. I spent the day in there with her. It was nice being able to do NOTHING all day long. I feel good, despite my swollen throat.

I'm pretty nervous about tomorrow. I never do well at funerals.

It's just not fair. I have no more grandparents. No more. My mom doesn't have parents anymore. My grandma and grandad will not see me get married nor will they see my children. I wish they could have lived longer. There are so many people in this world who don't deserve to be breathing oxygen with the good people of this world. It's not my place to take away though, and I'm glad that I don't have that decision to make.

I'm not angry, just sad.

1 comment:

snowroses said...

You have been blessed to have a wonderful grandparent whom you spent a lot of good times with. Cherish those memories and thank God for them. Be glad that someday we'll all meet our grandparents again, this is just a temporary separation. (This is what I always tell myself when I miss my grandparents :)