...I was at home with my mommy right now.
...that Ben was here at home or I was in Mississippi.
...I didn't have to worry about my portfolio or my certification test.
...that the people in the lobby would shut the hell up.
...I wasn't sick.
Just call me Debbie Downer.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
I don't know what to say.
I went home early on Thursday, sick, and slept the night away fighting a fever and the chills. Friday I woke up, still feeling awful. I needed to go to class though, so I was determined. Apparently it just wasn't to be. I got a call at 7:32am from my cousin telling me that hospice had called and I needed to get home as soon as possible to see Grandad. I booked it to class to tell my professor and ran to my car to get it close to the dorm to load up my car. I ran inside and started throwing stuff in my laundry basket and I got a phone call.
He was gone.
My grandaddy. Gone.
I didn't know what to do. I just sat there in stony silence not really knowing what to say. I gathered up my stuff and took it to my car. I drove the hour home, dealing with early morning traffic with patience. As soon as I got to the nursing home I let it all out. I cried and cried to my mom and my brother. I went to see him, but I could hardly look at him. He didn't look like my grandaddy. Not the man who had made me a huge toybox. Not the man who had sat and watched Walker Texas Ranger or Kung Fu Masters with me. Not the man who had given me the important job of throwing grass seeds on the lawn. No, that wasn't my grandad.
I was still sick, and later on that night my fever came again and I had chills. My brother got me a washcloth for my head and I put on a sweatshirt and some sweats. Got a couple of blankets and tried to get warm.
Woke up Saturday feeling much better. Went to Wal-mart with Mom and started to feel weak there. Damn.
Got home, put on some pjs, and watched Ratatouille with Mom. Relaxed and took some more medicine. Mom got me some Zicam (works wonders) for my sore throat. Definitely works. Still felt weak that night.
Woke up this morning at around 6am and couldn't swallow without shaking it hurt so bad. Finally decided to just leave my mouth open and drool on the pillow so I could get some more sleep. When I woke up at 10am, Mom gave me some more medicine and set me up on her bed. I spent the day in there with her. It was nice being able to do NOTHING all day long. I feel good, despite my swollen throat.
I'm pretty nervous about tomorrow. I never do well at funerals.
It's just not fair. I have no more grandparents. No more. My mom doesn't have parents anymore. My grandma and grandad will not see me get married nor will they see my children. I wish they could have lived longer. There are so many people in this world who don't deserve to be breathing oxygen with the good people of this world. It's not my place to take away though, and I'm glad that I don't have that decision to make.
I'm not angry, just sad.
He was gone.
My grandaddy. Gone.
I didn't know what to do. I just sat there in stony silence not really knowing what to say. I gathered up my stuff and took it to my car. I drove the hour home, dealing with early morning traffic with patience. As soon as I got to the nursing home I let it all out. I cried and cried to my mom and my brother. I went to see him, but I could hardly look at him. He didn't look like my grandaddy. Not the man who had made me a huge toybox. Not the man who had sat and watched Walker Texas Ranger or Kung Fu Masters with me. Not the man who had given me the important job of throwing grass seeds on the lawn. No, that wasn't my grandad.
I was still sick, and later on that night my fever came again and I had chills. My brother got me a washcloth for my head and I put on a sweatshirt and some sweats. Got a couple of blankets and tried to get warm.
Woke up Saturday feeling much better. Went to Wal-mart with Mom and started to feel weak there. Damn.
Got home, put on some pjs, and watched Ratatouille with Mom. Relaxed and took some more medicine. Mom got me some Zicam (works wonders) for my sore throat. Definitely works. Still felt weak that night.
Woke up this morning at around 6am and couldn't swallow without shaking it hurt so bad. Finally decided to just leave my mouth open and drool on the pillow so I could get some more sleep. When I woke up at 10am, Mom gave me some more medicine and set me up on her bed. I spent the day in there with her. It was nice being able to do NOTHING all day long. I feel good, despite my swollen throat.
I'm pretty nervous about tomorrow. I never do well at funerals.
It's just not fair. I have no more grandparents. No more. My mom doesn't have parents anymore. My grandma and grandad will not see me get married nor will they see my children. I wish they could have lived longer. There are so many people in this world who don't deserve to be breathing oxygen with the good people of this world. It's not my place to take away though, and I'm glad that I don't have that decision to make.
I'm not angry, just sad.
Friday, November 2, 2007
What a week.
This really hasn't been a great week. (Uh oh, here comes Debbie Downer!)
Alrighty, so Halloween was sorta fun, but not nearly as fun as last year when Ben and all of our friends were out and about. I spent 2 hours downtown in our bar basically just floating around having "nothing conversations" with people that I never hang out with. Totally lame. I met up with my friend Chris at another establishment and hung out there for awhile. He took me home later on and I just went right to sleep. I was tired and had to be in class at 8am.
Next morning, I brought in apple cider for my class and my partner brought in food. I already told her I was just bringing in cider (hello, money's short right now) and she said, "That's ALL you brought in?" Oh, I'm sorry I didn't wake up at 6am to make a breakfast casserole and doughnuts. Are you crazy? Went to work after that and just felt like crap on the way there. I cried, and the girls at work were worried because they had never seen me upset like that. It was a combo of my portfolio shit, assignments, me not feeling well, and the fact that my grandad had been put in a nursing home that day. Anyway, I started feeling REALLY sick later on and my friend Kat offered to clean the bathrooms for me so I could leave early. I think I'm going to get her a card or something to show my gratitude. I really appreciated it. I got back to my dorm and immediately put on a hoodie and sweatpants (I was FREEZING) and then realized that I had NOTHING to drink in my room. Great. I can't get back out, I could barely get out of bed! I called Chuck, and he brought me a sprite. (very nice) I fell asleep at 6pm, slept until 8pm and watched The Office. Got some phone calls, everyone wishing me well, and Paul even offered to bring me soup. (I know who my real friends are). Went to sleep later on after talking to Ben, he was just as sweet as he could be.
Today I woke up and got ready for class, still feeling weak as hell. Finished getting ready and got a phone call from my cousin at 7:30am. She said that I needed to come home because Grandad was getting bad. I rushed over to class to let my professor know I had to go home immediately, called work and let them know I couldn't be there and both were totally cool about it. On my way out of town, Mom called and told me he was gone.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
I was too late.
There wasn't anything I could have done, but I just wanted to be there.
I got off work tomorrow, luckily, so I will be traveling to Grandma and Grandad's hometown to make the funeral arrangements.
Grandma and Grandad are together again after 8 long years.
Honestly, it feels like it's been so much longer than that since I've seen her. Almost a decade has gone by. I was so close with her. Closer than any of the other grandkids.
Anyway, I've got one more errand to do today. I've got to go meet with the pastor of the church that Ben and I want to use for our wedding. Hopefully I won't get sick on the way there.
Alright, the bad stuff is here, I've just got to look for my silver lining now. It's time for the sun to come out and shine and warm me up.
Alrighty, so Halloween was sorta fun, but not nearly as fun as last year when Ben and all of our friends were out and about. I spent 2 hours downtown in our bar basically just floating around having "nothing conversations" with people that I never hang out with. Totally lame. I met up with my friend Chris at another establishment and hung out there for awhile. He took me home later on and I just went right to sleep. I was tired and had to be in class at 8am.
Next morning, I brought in apple cider for my class and my partner brought in food. I already told her I was just bringing in cider (hello, money's short right now) and she said, "That's ALL you brought in?" Oh, I'm sorry I didn't wake up at 6am to make a breakfast casserole and doughnuts. Are you crazy? Went to work after that and just felt like crap on the way there. I cried, and the girls at work were worried because they had never seen me upset like that. It was a combo of my portfolio shit, assignments, me not feeling well, and the fact that my grandad had been put in a nursing home that day. Anyway, I started feeling REALLY sick later on and my friend Kat offered to clean the bathrooms for me so I could leave early. I think I'm going to get her a card or something to show my gratitude. I really appreciated it. I got back to my dorm and immediately put on a hoodie and sweatpants (I was FREEZING) and then realized that I had NOTHING to drink in my room. Great. I can't get back out, I could barely get out of bed! I called Chuck, and he brought me a sprite. (very nice) I fell asleep at 6pm, slept until 8pm and watched The Office. Got some phone calls, everyone wishing me well, and Paul even offered to bring me soup. (I know who my real friends are). Went to sleep later on after talking to Ben, he was just as sweet as he could be.
Today I woke up and got ready for class, still feeling weak as hell. Finished getting ready and got a phone call from my cousin at 7:30am. She said that I needed to come home because Grandad was getting bad. I rushed over to class to let my professor know I had to go home immediately, called work and let them know I couldn't be there and both were totally cool about it. On my way out of town, Mom called and told me he was gone.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
I was too late.
There wasn't anything I could have done, but I just wanted to be there.
I got off work tomorrow, luckily, so I will be traveling to Grandma and Grandad's hometown to make the funeral arrangements.
Grandma and Grandad are together again after 8 long years.
Honestly, it feels like it's been so much longer than that since I've seen her. Almost a decade has gone by. I was so close with her. Closer than any of the other grandkids.
Anyway, I've got one more errand to do today. I've got to go meet with the pastor of the church that Ben and I want to use for our wedding. Hopefully I won't get sick on the way there.
Alright, the bad stuff is here, I've just got to look for my silver lining now. It's time for the sun to come out and shine and warm me up.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Tomorrow is going to be fun!
Tomorrow I'm skipping class to help out at the daycare's Halloween party. I hate my history class (it's just really long and not very interesting AND my friend takes AWESOME notes). I can't wait to see all my kids dressed up in their costumes! I'm going as Thing 1 (my friend Jessica is Thing 2) from Dr. Seuss's The Cat In The Hat. I already had a red sweatshirt and I just put a piece of white material with the words, "THING 1" on it and fabric glued it on the sweatshirt. It's going to be pretty cool. We're going to hairspray our hair all crazy too. I'm pretty pumped.
I bought a peacoat yesterday! I'm soooo excited. I have needed a coat for the past couple years but I've just been reusing the one I've had since junior year. I'm excited for it to arrive.
A bit of bad news. My grandad's cancer has gotten worse. The doctors seem to think he's only got about a month left. Of course, that's the diagnosis that we got for Jack's dad and he lived for another 8 months. I'm thinking that he won't make it that long though, mom says he's incredibly weak and they've already got hospice in. It worries me, but I just want him to be out of pain. I know he's in pain a lot of the time...I'm going to go visit him this weekend when I get home.
Anyway, say a prayer for him.
I bought a peacoat yesterday! I'm soooo excited. I have needed a coat for the past couple years but I've just been reusing the one I've had since junior year. I'm excited for it to arrive.
A bit of bad news. My grandad's cancer has gotten worse. The doctors seem to think he's only got about a month left. Of course, that's the diagnosis that we got for Jack's dad and he lived for another 8 months. I'm thinking that he won't make it that long though, mom says he's incredibly weak and they've already got hospice in. It worries me, but I just want him to be out of pain. I know he's in pain a lot of the time...I'm going to go visit him this weekend when I get home.
Anyway, say a prayer for him.
Monday, October 29, 2007
I really do love my life
despite all the shit I have to deal with....liiiiike:
*the people who think it's a really good idea to booty dance/scream/laugh loudly/run up and down my hallway at one or two in the morning.
*all the damn assignments I have.
*the lack of cool people to hang out with.
*the fact that my fiance is in another state.
I really do enjoy my days in class (most days) and at work (minus a few of the kids). I get to come home to my comfy room, get on my laptop and relax all night. It's quite nice. I get to call my honey and visit with him about what's going on in our lives while we're apart, and it's just so much easier than when he was in boot camp. I get to tell him stuff right away instead of writing it to him in letters.
Last night, I was telling him that I was going to order the flower petals. Here's our convo:
Him: Won't they die before June?
Me: SILK petals, honey. Much easier, much cheaper.
Him: Ohhhhh. Are you going to get all silk flowers?
Me: probably. Real flower bouquets are very expensive.
Him: What about your bouquet? You're getting silk for that too?
Me: Yeah.
Him: You should get a real one. It's your special day. Don't worry about the cost.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah. You should be able to do that.
Isn't that just the sweetest? I mean, he just keeps saying stuff that makes me giddy. I know he knows that I want it to be the most special day but will cut costs even if it means I don't get something. He WANTS me to have everything I want. It's pretty cute.
He loves me.
*the people who think it's a really good idea to booty dance/scream/laugh loudly/run up and down my hallway at one or two in the morning.
*all the damn assignments I have.
*the lack of cool people to hang out with.
*the fact that my fiance is in another state.
I really do enjoy my days in class (most days) and at work (minus a few of the kids). I get to come home to my comfy room, get on my laptop and relax all night. It's quite nice. I get to call my honey and visit with him about what's going on in our lives while we're apart, and it's just so much easier than when he was in boot camp. I get to tell him stuff right away instead of writing it to him in letters.
Last night, I was telling him that I was going to order the flower petals. Here's our convo:
Him: Won't they die before June?
Me: SILK petals, honey. Much easier, much cheaper.
Him: Ohhhhh. Are you going to get all silk flowers?
Me: probably. Real flower bouquets are very expensive.
Him: What about your bouquet? You're getting silk for that too?
Me: Yeah.
Him: You should get a real one. It's your special day. Don't worry about the cost.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah. You should be able to do that.
Isn't that just the sweetest? I mean, he just keeps saying stuff that makes me giddy. I know he knows that I want it to be the most special day but will cut costs even if it means I don't get something. He WANTS me to have everything I want. It's pretty cute.
He loves me.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
The weekend
What a fantastic weekend!
Honestly, the only thing that would have made it better is if Ben would have been here to spend it with me.
Friday night, I went to a show with Chip and Chelsea, all dressed up and it was awesome. My friend Sonny's band played and we enjoyed happy hour. Went to a party later on, but it was full of totally lame people, so we left early. We ate lunch together the next day and just hung out.
Saturday I spent the day laying around and doing homework. That night, my friend Jake came out again and we went out to eat and saw Saw IV with Andrew, Travis, Ashley, and Matt. It was a lot of fun.
Today I spent the day watching movies and visiting with Ben on the phone. It's been nice.
Honestly, the only thing that would have made it better is if Ben would have been here to spend it with me.
Friday night, I went to a show with Chip and Chelsea, all dressed up and it was awesome. My friend Sonny's band played and we enjoyed happy hour. Went to a party later on, but it was full of totally lame people, so we left early. We ate lunch together the next day and just hung out.
Saturday I spent the day laying around and doing homework. That night, my friend Jake came out again and we went out to eat and saw Saw IV with Andrew, Travis, Ashley, and Matt. It was a lot of fun.
Today I spent the day watching movies and visiting with Ben on the phone. It's been nice.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Frustrating
I really don't like my brother all that much. I'm pretty sure he has some form of bipolar disorder. He'll be super nice, and then he'll just snap and be a total jerk. I was trying to call my mom tonight and he hung up on me 4 different times because he was using the house phone and didn't want to let me talk to her. She wasn't answering her cell, and he didn't give a shit. It's like this all the time. Does he ever get in trouble for that shit? Nope. Not at all. She "can't punish him" because "nothing ever works". What does she mean, "nothing ever works"? Ground him, make him stay home and not hang out with his friends, don't give him money everytime he asks. I didn't get that kind of treatment, even though I was a good kid. I never messed up in school or got into any kind of trouble...and I didn't get even half the stuff or privileges he does. It's just ridiculous. He's being taught that he can do whatever he wants and get away with it. Someday, that's going to backfire, and he's going to be in a lot of trouble.
Anyway, in happier news, I bought invitations, a matching garter, AND a matching photo album today. The invitations are really pretty and I'm able to print them off at home and they look professional. Everything was pretty inexpensive too! I'm quite happy.
My friend Jake is coming to town tomorrow evening for costume karaoke. I'm glad, I love hanging out with him. It's going to be fun tomorrow, I'm pretty pumped. Probably not going to go to class on Friday. It's pointless because we're not doing anything and my teacher really pissed me off on Monday. I've got all of my assignments done, and early, so there's really no need to complain about one missed class.
booya.
Anyway, in happier news, I bought invitations, a matching garter, AND a matching photo album today. The invitations are really pretty and I'm able to print them off at home and they look professional. Everything was pretty inexpensive too! I'm quite happy.
My friend Jake is coming to town tomorrow evening for costume karaoke. I'm glad, I love hanging out with him. It's going to be fun tomorrow, I'm pretty pumped. Probably not going to go to class on Friday. It's pointless because we're not doing anything and my teacher really pissed me off on Monday. I've got all of my assignments done, and early, so there's really no need to complain about one missed class.
booya.
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